Monday, August 20, 2012

Breast Support

OK, let’s talk about a much-spoken-about yet taboo subject:  those mammary glands of the female form.  While the obsession on these two appendages is rampant among men’s conversations and oodles of porn sites, the practical details on the management and care of the chesty extensions is scant (except for copious amounts of breastfeeding information).

Tits. Boobies. The anatomical term of ‘breasts’. Cha-cha’s. Chi-chi’s. Honkers. Bazooms. Hooters. Gazongas. Assets. Knockers.  The list of fond terms is endless.

My ‘assets’ proudly passed the pencil test until my mid-30’s. (Gents may be a bit lost right now, but ladies know exactly what I mean.)  Of course, pencil test winners are either: a. smaller in size, or b. surgically enhanced (by the way, did you know silicone-added ta-tas don’t need a bra for support?  Awesome…).  Let’s just say the first option was my destiny.

Then came the ‘slight sag’ stage, and Underwires became my friend.  Alas, as years and gravity took their toll, the underwire bras outlived their usefulness- back to the wireless versions of support.

There comes a time in every non-surgically-enhanced woman’s life when the ole’ cleavage becomes cleave-less, bra or not.  The melons pass their prime, and the mountains slide into valleys.  By this time, one is tired of digging straps, scratchy hooks, cup sizes that don’t cup, and elastic bands riding up.

Enter the Genie Bra.

Think of it as coming full circle: it’s reminiscent of the training bras we wore at the beginning of our womanly advance.  I first saw this gizmo on a telemarketing commercial.  Basically it's a one-piece stretchy bra that squishes you into alignment.  No hooks, no tight straps- it’s like a smooth, soft rubber band around your chest section.

To some degree, that squishing will minimize your voluptuousness. 

But when in doubt, fake it.

(After all, millions of women spend thousands of dollars to surgically fake it.)

There’s a little-known item called push-up breast pads one can easily find on the internet.  Two of these babies properly placed under one’s Twins will hoist the lovelies into premium cleavage space.  The Genie bra cuddles all pieces into a snug, comfortable fit.  Wha-la!  Comfort and cleavage.

It’s the poor woman’s way into busty retribution…..

1 comment:

  1. Bahaha! I just read this! Good information. Thank you! :)