Breast Support

OK, let’s talk about a much-spoken-about yet taboo subject:  those mammary glands of the female form.  While the obsession on these two appendages is rampant among men’s conversations and oodles of porn sites, the practical details on the management and care of the chesty extensions is scant (except for copious amounts of breastfeeding information).

Tits. Boobies. The anatomical term of ‘breasts’. Cha-cha’s. Chi-chi’s. Honkers. Bazooms. Hooters. Gazongas. Assets. Knockers.  The list of fond terms is endless.

My ‘assets’ proudly passed the pencil test until my mid-30’s. (Gents may be a bit lost right now, but ladies know exactly what I mean.)  Of course, pencil test winners are either: a. smaller in size, or b. surgically enhanced (by the way, did you know silicone-added ta-tas don’t need a bra for support?  Awesome…).  Let’s just say the first option was my destiny.

Then came the ‘slight sag’ stage, and Underwires became my friend.  Alas, as years and gravity took their toll, the underwire bras outlived their usefulness- back to the wireless versions of support.

There comes a time in every non-surgically-enhanced woman’s life when the ole’ cleavage becomes cleave-less, bra or not.  The melons pass their prime, and the mountains slide into valleys.  By this time, one is tired of digging straps, scratchy hooks, cup sizes that don’t cup, and elastic bands riding up.

Enter the Genie Bra.

Think of it as coming full circle: it’s reminiscent of the training bras we wore at the beginning of our womanly advance.  I first saw this gizmo on a telemarketing commercial.  Basically it's a one-piece stretchy bra that squishes you into alignment.  No hooks, no tight straps- it’s like a smooth, soft rubber band around your chest section.

To some degree, that squishing will minimize your voluptuousness. 

But when in doubt, fake it.

(After all, millions of women spend thousands of dollars to surgically fake it.)

There’s a little-known item called push-up breast pads one can easily find on the internet.  Two of these babies properly placed under one’s Twins will hoist the lovelies into premium cleavage space.  The Genie bra cuddles all pieces into a snug, comfortable fit.  Wha-la!  Comfort and cleavage.

It’s the poor woman’s way into busty retribution…..

Gerta and I Come to Blows

Today, I decided to battle Gerta- and mostly won.

We've been here two years now, and one of the niggling irritations I've lived with has been our bathroom tub.

After years of being an outfitter's house with lunking, hulking hunters and then a ranch house, our tub has had a permanent haze of dirty-ish ickyness that has stubbornly refused to disappear.

I've tried everything- bleach, ZaBoom, borax, Mr. Clean magic erasers, CLR, blah, blah, blah; you name it, I've tried it.  No dice.

I'm sure Gerta, who loves being a dirty beige ranch, has been delighted with my frustration.

Today, I got down and dirty myself.  After hours ruminating on possible ideas, I took Bar Keeper's Friend (yes, I'd tried this in the past as well), made a paste with water, got Dan's electric sander with a softer sanding pad, and let loose on the walls and tub.

I spent a good hour sanding away, spraying white, gooey paste all over me, the walls, the tub, and the floor.  Dan said I sounded quite industrial.  I imagined a good stiff upper cut to Gerta, and dreamed of it being a knock-out punch.

Ha!  It worked.  The built-in grime slowly erased (as well as likely parts of the finish).  While not perfect, the damn tub finally resembled what a good tub should look like.  Victory was mine!

Then, in retaliation, Gerta punched me back.  The do-hickey that keeps the water coming in shower form versus tub flowing form broke.  That meant we didn't have a functional shower, which is all we ever use.  Panic was in my eyes......

Gerta can be a bitch at times, and thought she had me down.

But not all was lost; I called the Ranch Manager.  He came down and saved my day- after much clumping and thumping, he got the shower option working again.  Take that, Gerta!

My next project?  I just bought vinyl floor stripper for the kitchen.  Half the marks and 'dirt' are permanent... I'm hoping I can strip them away.

We'll see what Gerta has to say about that...

What Would YOU Do?

It's quarter to eight at night, 83 degrees IN the house (with house fans blowing), 81 degrees outside, and you:

1. Start a load of laundry (you just finished 2 loads, but there's always more....)

2. Cook a gourmet meal using the ingredients from the pantry (since the nearest store is 16+ miles away...)

3. Make a rum and diet Coke (hot tip: diet Coke tastes much better, whether you do diet or not), eat some cheese with Pecan Nut and Rice Crackers (it's heavenly, and they must have been designed to go with cheese), and cook hot dogs on the grill.

4. Dust the furniture, which is now white on top, not gray.  (It's been 5 days, after all.)

I went with #3.  Who wouldn't?  I've been using a spray water bottle to mist my body to help the cooling process, and decided a cold drink was my friend.  I wish I liked beer; this is a perfect beer day.

Even we're in the mountains, we've had more 'use the fan' days than the 2 previous summers combined.  And no air conditioning.  That means sleeping in underwear (T-shirts are too hot), and waking up cold in the morning when the temp drops 40-50 degrees.

Surviving the Summer of 2012....

Horsey Time

We've got a large field behind our back yard, and a number of the ranch horses have been moved there to munch on the acres of grass.  It's been fun watching the horses; the water trough is right next to our back yard fence.

Enjoy!

Gerta's 10 Ranch House Rules...

1. Don't dust until the dark wood end table looks grey on top.  This will take about 2 days.

2. Sweep only when you feel lots of crunchies under your feet.  This will also take about 2 days.

3. Limit steam-cleaning carpets to 3-4 times a year.  Even after cleaning, they will look pretty much the same after a week.

4. Expect the dogs to get loose and run though the fields, then merrily come back into the house and trample the carpets with black mud from the creek about 2 days after steam cleaning the carpets.

5. Two tips for #4: 1.Wait until the mud dries, then sweep up.  2. Do not panic when all the dog footprints still faintly remain; they will blend in with the general condition of the carpet in a week.

6. With no air conditioning, leave the still-broken back sliding door open for air.

7.  Keep a screen-less kitchen window on the opposite of the house also open; this way the flies that come into the house have a way to fly through and not get stuck inside.

8. Note: when sweeping, be sure to dust off all windowsills and counters of the dead flies; some of those critters are not so smart, and with 50 degree temperature swings each day and night, they often croak.

9. Juggle the front windows open for cool air, and closed because of all the dust from the road out front.

10. When the dogs come in from a run and proudly place a dead gopher on the carpet in the living room, do not scream.  Tell them 'good dog' and quickly place in the garbage.  This happens often.

A Moment of Reflection....

Haven’t posted in months.  

Why?  I don’t think I’ve had anything new or interesting to say.

My life seems pretty normal- at least to me.  I live way up high in the mountains of Montana, in a valley called the Cinnabar basin, and watch elk and now horses out my back window. 

I have frequent discussions with my house regarding what is the acceptable level of cleanliness that does not cause me distress.  

I’ve realized I talk to myself waay too much (conversations with the house not included), and trying to keep silent when alone is a challenge. (Thank goodness for our dogs; at least they offer a legitimate reason for vocalizing!).   

We had snow in June, and 2 weeks later temps in the 90’s.  

My big daily fashion decision is which pair of jeans and T-shirt I should wear.

 

Not exactly normal for most folks, I agree.  

Friends and family call and ask me what is new; my response is usually “Not much.”  I’m mostly content living my day-to-day, watching the many moods of the mountains.

Once upon a time, I was determined to make Big changes in the/my world.  Whatever I was going to do, I felt compelled to do it in a big way.  I had to be the best damn student/daughter/wife/designer/ creative director/mother/writer/ realtor in the land.   

Obviously, these were not realistic goals.  While pretty good at a number of them, there were just not enough hours in my day to Change the World. 

I’ve made my peace that the world will do just fine, thank-you-very-much, with my input or without it.  Looking back, I keep thinking ‘whew! how exhausting.’  All that energy put into attempted extra-achieving. 

Perhaps if I’d let my Inner bitch come out and play more often, I woulda had more energy at the end of the day.  You have to admit there is something freeing about flipping forward your first thoughts and actions without worrying how others will feel.  Getting older does give me a more relaxed perspective…

May your days of reflection bring a calmness to your soul…. And if that doesn’t work, bring out that Inner bitch!

Bwah-hah-haaa... Gerta Gets a Taste of Country Cottage, After All

Gerta and I are coming to an understanding- she can keep her tom-boyish ways, and I can spiff things up, within reason. 

Dan and I decided to update our bathroom, since it's a room we both visit several times a day.  :) 

Here's a photo of what it looked like:

It was typical 1970's decor- dark, dark wood and trim, beige floral wallpaper, off-white linoleum floor covering that never looked clean no matter how much you cleaned it, etc. 

At this point, we had already installed a larger medicine cabinet and the shelf unit over the toilet (seems we must have 'bathroom stuff' issues, and didn't have enough room to store all the stuff).

Thanks to all of Dan's talents with paint, wallpapering, installing flooring, new trim and accessories, etc., this is our 'new' bathroom:

Yay!  Bright, white, clean, and cottage-y.  Beadboard on the walls and the new cabinet doors Dan made. And I love the new floor... the new stick-em' tiles of today are awesome!  'We' even used them to cover the shelves. 

Alas, my only contribution was choosing the wallpaper that was uber-cheap on sale.  (Price was great, but Dan said it was a bitch to work with.)  Oh, and giving Dan lots of moral support.

Gerta seems to approve of the new look- so far, no home disasters or dramas.  Just goes to show you that even old-timers can like a new change.....